My political rant.

I usually refrain from starting a post with, “I usually refrain”, but because of the election and its importance I figured it was time. So here goes…..

I usually refrain from talking about politics but I really hope you read what I have to say. Unfortunately, I have probably waited too long as many of you have already voted but I am hoping for a situation like in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure when they lose their keys but use the time machine phone booth thingy to go into the future and tell themselves to make sure they remember to put their keys in the flower bed so that in the present they would find them in the flower bed and….train of thought gone.

Peanut butter cups are really good.

If you have not voted please consider the following…..

Please cast your vote for Akridge/Friend.

(Joel Akridge for President/Imaginary Friend for Vice President)

It will need to be a write-in vote. (I didn’t get my name in the hat in time in order to be placed on the ballot. Apparently someone in charge of these things has an issue with timeliness and crayons. Pfft.)

Here is what I would accomplish if elected.

First thing…….. I would make sure the price of the Grand Slam at Denny’s is rolled back to $1.99. Grand Slam, though I would probably never be friends with you again due to my digestive system not being made of titanium alloy and that other stuff like the dude in Terminator 2, I would simply like having you around at this great price because I do miss the 90’s where I could wear flannel without fear.  (Side note: I just gave you your band name.  Flannel Without Fear.)

Secondly….. Hostess would be given mad stimulus money in order to keep the Twinkie in circulation.

Third……. plastic packaging, the kind no human can open with their bare hands, the kind where scissors are only somewhat helpful in opening, would be outlawed.

Fourthly…….no one would be given speeding tickets of any kind. However many miles the driver is over the speed limit is how many packages they are required to open.  You know, the packages with the plastic packaging no human can open with their bare hands.  

“Thirteen miles over, Stew?  Here are your thirteen packages.  Welcome to your worst nightmare.  I hope you enjoyed your friend Sanity, because he just took the last train to Clarksville.”  (Monkees reference)   Worse than paying a fine if you ask me.

Fifthly……plastic bottles would be gone.  Everything tastes better in glass bottles.

Sixthly……cars would no longer be made to run on gasoline.  They would run on coconut shavings.  You know the stringy crap from coconut?  I hate the shavings.  Hate the shavings.  Put ’em to use.  I have no idea how I would do it but two birds would be killed with one stone.  Wow.  Never realized how cruel that saying is.  Hey!  Seventhly has been changed mid-post!  Keep reading!!

Seventhly….. the phrase “Kill two birds with one stone” will now be replaced with “Hug two birds with one hug” and NOW we’re getting things done. 

Eighthly…..high fructose corn syrup will be relabeled to save on printing.  Fewer words.  Fewer letters.  Lower costs.  High fructose corn syrup will now be known as “poop”.

Ninethly…… ummm….that’s about it. My Vice President will take care of the rest. His nickname is The Harvey.

Go vote and start praying for the four more years one or the first four years one. Even if we don’t know as of yet who has won, you can do the Bill & Ted thing and start praying now.

Whoever wins, please pray.  America is still pretty neato.  She needs prayer.

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